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My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. —   Wendy Liebman   —
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about. —   Evan Esar   —
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. —   Bob Monkhouse   —
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. —   Robert Bloch   —
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. —   Steve Martin   —
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. —   Lana Turner   —
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. —   Unknown   —
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. —   Socrates   —
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. —   Emo Philips   —
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig. —   Robert Heinlein   —