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My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
— Wendy Liebman —
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
— Evan Esar —
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
— Bob Monkhouse —
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
— Robert Bloch —
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
— Steve Martin —
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
— Lana Turner —
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
— Unknown —
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
— Socrates —
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
— Emo Philips —
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
— Robert Heinlein —
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